Friday, May 22, 2009

So Many Questions

When the Cubs get swept by the Cardinals as easily as one would cut warm butter with a lightsaber, one starts to dwell on all sorts of questions.
  • Is Lou serious when he starts talking about putting Soriano at second base?
  • When did Adam Wainright and Joel Piniero become the next Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson?
  • Who the hell is Brian Barden and how is he batting .533 against the Cubs and .176 against the rest of the league?
  • Shouldn't the cat attached to Ryan Franklin's chin be constituted as an illegal substance and animal cruelty?
  • Jake, are you sure you wouldn't like to accept that trade to the White Sox? Like right now? Before you throw a pefect game against the drones in Cubs uniforms tonight?
  • Who will make Cubs players come up with slogans for Viagra now that Kathy & Judy have been unceremoniously dumped by WGN radio?
  • Remember when the Cubs batters took balls and swung at strikes? Me neither.
  • How much longer until Aramis comes back?
  • How bad could Jake Fox really be if we stuck him at third base?
  • Is it inappropriate to yell "Son of a bitch!" after seeing the Cubs make their final out of the series while sitting in a Microeconomics class?

Meanwhile, Bad Kermit at Hire Jim Essian asks who we like more, this team or Dusty's 2004 whiny bitches. You really need to read the full post, but I'll provide a few highlighted descriptions of players that were, unfortunately, the best part of my day yesterday.

Corey Patterson

"Unless you’re at the four-letter site, Patterson was pretty much universally hated. Not only did he suck, but I vividly recall a conversation with him on the Score in I believe 2001 in which Corey said he, 'Didn’t know what a leadoff hitter was supposed to do.' You f---ing dumbass."

Aaron Miles

"He’s shaped like a potato and he hits like a carrot. I don’t even know what that means. I hate him so much, that I’m left with nothing but vegetable analogies."

Reed Johnson

"He can play all three positions well, he can handle a bat, he can pinch-run, he doesn’t bitch about playing time, and his beard grew three inches in the time it took you to read that sentence."

Koyie Hill

"Hill had both his arms chopped off while saving a bunch of puppies from a chainsaw-wielding maniac. Doctors sewed him back together, and he started hitting the crap out of the ball."

Matt Clement

"He was a bedwetter who apparently couldn’t even be bothered to bail the Cubs out of a jam in Game Six of the 2003 NLCS. Clement was basically the guy Lilly would be stalking through a cornfield with a scythe."

Kyle Farnsworth

"In his Cubs career, Farnsworth fell asleep in the clubhouse, broke his foot dropkicking a baseball, and probably tried to finger your little sister in the bathroom of Doc Ryan’s."

Thank God, the Blackhawks play tonight so I don't have to watch every swing and miss by the Cubs tonight.


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