Saturday, May 9, 2009

I See How It's Going to Be

So after Aramis Ramirez recovered from his minor injury that held him out of the lineup and he started hitting the ball with authority again, the baseball gods decided that he needed something really serious to take him down. Boom. Separated left shoulder, he's gone for at least four weeks, more likely six, and I wouldn't be surprised by eight weeks.

Well, thank God that Jim Hendry unloaded the virtually useless Joey Gathright and got a player in Ryan Freel who can legitimately play third base and provide at least a decent on-base percentage to the offense. Way to stay a step ahead of the baseball gods, Jim! Boom. Tight hamstring, and Freel is out of the lineup.

Well, f--- you, baseball gods! F--- you and your sister. Keep on coming after us, tough guys, we're still here. Do you think that a couple of injuries will keep us from catching the St. Louis Pujolses? Do you think that cursing every pitcher in our bullpen to always walk the first batter they face is going to keep us from staying ahead of Ned Yost and the Fat Man?

Keep bringing it, motherf---ers! We still have a suspension for Bradley and a Rookie of the Year catcher who seems to have left his bat in 2008. Are we concerned? Check out how scrappy this team is!

Bobby Scales will climb out of whatever backwater towns in which he has been playing baseball for the last thirty-something years and shove a cleat so far up your asses you'll taste the infield mud stuck on them.

Mike Fontenot and Ryan Theriot will bite at your knees until you fall and then they'll rip your eyes out of your sockets and hit them softly into short right field.

Aaron Miles will tear your heads off and throw them almost all the way to first base on a fly.

Ryan Freel will get a hamstring transplant from his imaginary friend, Farney, if he has to. This team will not be stopped by a couple of piddling injuries and loss of discernable baseball talent.

The baseball gods think that a few injuries will collapse this team like so many other Cubs teams in the past. They think that we'll just say, "Here we go again," and just accept it. They want us to say, "Wait 'til next year" before Memorial Day.

Well, f--- that and f--- you, you malicious, malevolent, assclowns. I have no reverence or respect for you any longer. There is no logic. There is no justice. There is no benevolence in any form. You are pure evil and should be given papercuts on your eyes while being forced to listen to Nancy Kerrigan, Kelly Pickler, and Denise Richards sing "Take me Out to the Ballgame" as a trio, and having your genitals slowly dipped into a pool of hydrocholric acid.

You can pile on all the bulls--- injuries you can muster. You can make Bradley's head literally implode. You can take Derrek Lee's neck and turn it around all the way around like Linda Blair. You can continue turning Geovany Soto into the second coming of Scott Servais.

We shall overcome and dance on your f---ing graves. Suck it, screw off, bite me, and go to f---ing hell from whence you came.

You got a problem with that? You know where to find me in Aisle 424, bitch.


Anonymous said...

Can't tell if this is supposed to make me feel better or worse, but it cracked me up.

Anonymous said...

And one more thing: F--- you if you think that we're going to be worried about turning to our beer vendor and screaming, "I'll see you..." Wait a minute. We are worried! Oh, G-d. We're screwed! -- Seat 106

Post a Comment

The easiest way to comment is to choose the Name/URL option from the Comment As dropdown menu below. You do not need to put in a URL for this option to work.

Sometimes upon submitting the comment, you will get an error saying there is a problem. Submit the comment again and it should work. I am looking into correcting this glitch.