Monday, July 12, 2010

Do We Suck? Stay Tuned!

The Cubs suck, but Hendry is still evaluating them to make sure they suck.  I'm sure Ari Kaplan keeps coming in with charts and graphs that all prove quite conclusively that the Cubs do indeed suck, but Jim doesn't have time for spreadsheets and charts.  He has some scoutin' to do to assess the human element and can't be bothered, so he sends Ari back to the broom closet they assigned him as an office.

Meanwhile, the media keeps asking Tom Ricketts about Hendry's job security, and Tom is understandably unable to provide a satisfactory answer.  Afterall, he is awaiting Hendry's final analysis about whether the Cubs suck or not.  It would be foolish to fire the general manager of a team that doesn't suck, right?  How could he say for sure until he knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that the Cubs suck?

So, Tom went out and gave the not-that-confident vote of confidence to Hendry:

''The fact is that right now Jim is our general manager,'' he said. ''I support him. I think he does a great job. And after that, we'll just take it one day at a time.''

The whole situation is quite unbelievable and something that could really only happen in a poorly written sitcom about a terrible baseball team and its bungling executives.  I'm working on the script for a pilot now that I'll shop around.  I was going to call it "One Day at a Time," but lawyers have told me that it was once a show that made Mackenzie Phillips famous without having to reveal she slept with her father, so maybe I should call it "It's a Way of Life" instead. Here's an exclusive preview:

(Tom Rickett's enters Crane Kenney's office in Wrigley Field.)

Tom:  Crane, I keep getting asked about Jim and whether he will be back next year.  Has he finished his analysis of the team?  Do we suck?

Crane:  I followed up with Jim this morning and he said he is really doing some great analyzing of the human element that has led us to never be able to score runs and he is getting there.  He should have an answer soon.

Tom:  What is taking so long?  Didn't we hire that Kaplan guy to help Jim out?  What is going on there?  Shouldn't we have this figured out by now?  This is a baseball team, not an oil spill!

Audience: (Laughing and applause)

Crane:  Ari is doing a great job.  He showed us something about some dealy-bob called a FIP and then there was a bit about a BABIP thingamajig?  I don't know, but he seemed to feel pretty strongly that Soto shouldn't be batting 8th and we are ruining Cashner's development by keeping him in the bullpen.

(Sad trombone)

Audience: (Laughing)

Tom:  Well, if he is giving such great information, why don't we know if we suck yet or not?

Crane:  Jim is having Ari color-code his spreadsheets and make them into pretty pie graphs.  Jim likes pie.

Audience: (Laughing)

Tom:  (facepalm) Oh holy hell.  I should fire him just to save on the food budget around here.

Audience: (Laughing)

Tom:  What do you think?

Crane:  You want my advice?

Tom:  Yes.

Crane:  You sure? You're not going to like it.

Tom:  Definitely.  I want to hear it.  Tell me.

Crane:  You paid too much for this team.

Audience: (Laughing)

Tom:  That isn't advice!

Crane:  I said you wouldn't like it.

Audience:  (Laughing)

Jim:  Hey guys, I thought I heard someone talking about pie in here.

Audience: Wooooooooo!!!!  (Applause)

Tom:  Jim!  Thank god!  What have you got?  Do we suck?

Jim:  Hey now, I was just looking for a little pie.  I didn't know I was going to get ambushed like Derrek Lee in the dugout.  HA HA HA HA HA.  Get it?  Derrek Lee in the dugout?

Audience:  (Crickets)

Tom:  Yeah, real fucking funny, Jim.  How do you expect me to go and answer questions about whether I should fire your ass without knowing if we suck or not?  Maybe I should just tell them that, yeah, I cleaned house.  I not only fired you and Oneiri and Wilken, but I took all your stuff, piled it on the noodle and set fire to it.  What do you think of that?

Audience: Ooooooooooohhh.....

Jim:  Hold on!  Let's not get crazy here...

Crane:  Wait, you set fire to the noodle?  Dude!  Kraft is going to kill me!

Audience: (Laughing)

Tom:  I didn't really set fire to the noodle!  Holy crap you guys are idiots!  All I want is a simple answer to this simple question!  Do. We. Suck?

Ari:  Hey guys, I just finished a projection model that compares players' current...

Tom, Jim, and Crane:  SHUT UP, ARI!!

Audience: (Laughing) WOOOOOOO!!!! (Applause)  Go Cubs!!

("Go Cubs Go!" Theme Song)



Duey23 said...

OH MY GOD. You are SO on to something here. Maybe you should head over to and try to animate this....

Anonymous said...

this is great. well played tim!

Aisle 424 said...

Thanks guys, I think it could be a really nice replacement for Two and a Half Men.

Cubby Blue said...

I'm not about to start writing "lol", but in reality I did.
God DAMN that is funny!

Unknown said...

That was fuckin awesome. U should get it animated like that first guy said I would definetley watch it. Good stuff man.

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