Thursday, April 1, 2010

It Turns Out 2009 Was Just An Elaborate Prank

April Fools!

The Cubs had the last laugh for once when they revealed that the entire 2009 season was one big practical joke.

"Got ya!" yelled Jim Hendry, as he, Lou Piniella and Crane Kenney doubled over in laughter at the press conference announcing the prank.  "We couldn't help ourselves. It was just too good.  But we can't take the credit, it wasn't our idea.  We just went along with the master plan dreamt up by this guy..."

Hendry gestured dramatically at the side door, and in came none other than Milton Bradley with a huge grin on his face.  He strided over to Jim Hendry and gave him a big bear hug before taking the microphone.

"You got PUNK'D, Chicago!  You totally fell for it!"  Bradley wiped away the tears of laughter, high-fived Piniella, and continued, "You people really thought someone could be THAT insane?!  'My son is being called racist names by his teacher and other three-year olds.' 'I don't know how many outs there are.' 'The umpires are out to get me.' 'It's Chicago's fault I had a bad year.' Come on!"

"But seriously," said Bradley as the rest of his 2009 teammates filed in while laughing uncontrollably. "Everyone played a part.  These guys are the greatest teammates, but they should get some motherf---in' Oscars for their performances last year.  I really thought this guy [pointing at Aramis Ramirez] actually hurt himself there in Milwaukee.  It turns out all that writhing in 'pain' was him trying to keep people from seeing him laughing."

But why such an elaborate prank?  Why submarine an entire season for the sake of a joke?

"To be honest, it started out as a prank on Paul Sullivan," said Bradley.  "He was riding me kind of hard last Spring, talking about my history of bad behavior and whatnot.  I just wanted to have a go at him and it just kind of escalated."

"Where is that little guy?  Man, you got so pissed at me!  No hard feelings?"

He then went over to Sullivan, shook his hand and then picked him up over his head pretending he was going to body slam him, but then set him back down gently.  Sullivan looked flustered, but smiled afterwards.

"He really got me," said Sullivan later rather sheepishly.  "Hey, were the Cubs bloggers in on it too?"

Lou Piniella revealed that Geovany Soto had been wearing a fat suit all year, Alfonso Soriano never hurt his knee, and Carlos Marmol was hitting all those batters on purpose.  "Look, we were just having some fun.  Heck, that Eric Miles kid went above and beyond.  I think that's what the comics call 'dedication to a bit,'" he chuckled.

"We hope you aren't too attached to Carlos Silva and Marlon Byrd.  They were good sports to go along with everything this Spring, but they'll head back to their original teams now and do their best there," said Hendry.  "We've got some real work to do here in 2010."

"Oh, and where's Phil Rogers?  Phil! Kevin Gregg is back in the bullpen again this year.  Does that add enough veteran leadership for ya?"

So, is this the kind of thing Cubs fans can expect from the Cubs on a regular basis now that they are under the ownership of the Ricketts family?

"Oh yeah," said Kenney, "We forgot to mention that part.  Maybe I should let someone else explain it better..." And then Sam Zell walked into the room to take the microphone as the team collapsed in laughter again.


Jennifer McSparin said...

Collapsing in laughter here. I KNEW it was a joke all along! Yeah...

Aisle 424 said...

In retrospect, it almost had to be a joke.

Adam said...

My favorite line is Sullivan's, "Were the Cubs bloggers in on it too?" I hate to break it to him that our disdain is indeed genuine.

That's real good stuff.

Aisle 424 said...

Paul and the rest of the media's dislike for a player that has been gone for 4 months just makes me smile now. David Haugh threw out a zinger at Bradley today for no apparent reason.

I guess they could say the same about Cubs blogs and Sullivan, except that if Sullivan finally left town, I doubt there would be much written about him anymore.

Mariotti is still technically writing on some site and I don't recall the last time I saw a blog rip on him, and he deserves it more than Sullivan (or anybody).

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