February 2 – FOXSports.com briefly mentions that the Cubs were interested in Kris Benson, which allows me to mention his wife, Anna Benson and show a picture of her.
February 3 – Sports Illustrated’s Jon Heyman called the Cubs offseason the second most disappointing ahead of only the New York Mets. In the course of explaining why he thought that, he said, “Alfonso Soriano proved to be even more untradeable than [Luis] Castillo” despite neither player actually getting traded. So it seems to me they are equally untradeable.
February 3 – Jim Hendry signs Kevin Millar upon realizing that the Cubs were dreadfully thin in clutch dick joke making and to make the Chad Tracy and Xavier Nady signings look good by comparison. It also served to prove Jon Heyman right.
February 3 – Angel Guzman has secret knee surgery that isn’t revealed until two weeks later, leaving the Cubs without their one real set-up man for Marmol. I’m sure that won’t present a problem later on.
February 4 – The Cubs and closer, Carlos Marmol, avoid arbitration when Marmol agrees to sign for one year and $2.125 million while Ryan Theriot steadfastly refuses to sign for less than $3 million. There’s no joke there. That really happened.
February 6 – The Cubs sign Jason DuBois which was the first indication that he had not been in the Cubs system all along.
February 7 – Part of the plan to stay in Mesa, Arizona for Spring Training would involve a new tax on Cactus League games to help pay for the venture. Jerry Reinsdorf very politely implies to the Cubs that they can take their new tax and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
February 7 – Carlos Zambrano selfishly reports to Training Camp ten days before the mandatory pitchers and catchers report date.
February 8 – Tom Ricketts talks about his team’s payroll saying,
“The dollars leaving the door is not the issue,” Chairman Tom Ricketts said. “It’s the third-highest payroll (in baseball). The issue is getting the right performance for the number of dollars you spend.”
This is widely believed to be an indication that Jim Hendry will be fired if the season does not go well.
February 10 – The then hilariously titled and now fairly presciently named, “Cubs Anal,” became available for sale and did nothing to derail the belief that Cubs fans are morons.
February 11 – Dave Kaplan outlines the changes the Ricketts want to make to Wrigley Field, thus beginning an odyssey that will end with bathrooms that may or may not be cleaner than they were before, a giant noodle, and a team that sucks because everyone is too busy talking about urinal troughs.
February 15 – The Cubs debuted a pre-sale for single-game tickets where fans could pay a 20% premium to get ahead in line of people who only wished to pay face value for the privilege of watching the team suck.
February 17 – The official day for pitchers and catchers reporting arrives with most pitchers, both Soto and Hill, and quite a few position players already in camp after following the terrible, selfish example of Carlos Zambrano.
February 17 – Bud Selig joins forces with Jerry Reinsdorf to oppose the Cubs Tax in the Cactus League and becomes the scariest couple since Tom Arnold and Roseanne.
February 18 – Carrie Muskat reveals to a shocked populace that Carlos Silva is fat.
February 19 – Single game tickets go on sale and most of the tickets for the season are sold. Based on the late season gaps in the seats throughout the park, we presume they were used for bookmarks or something. The Ricketts family was on hand to pass out coffee and Dunkin Donuts for people waiting in the cold. This set a record for the nicest thing the Cubs have ever done for their fans.
February 19 - The Cubs and Ryan Theriot actually go to the arbitration hearing to present their cases and the Cubs win when they present a montage of Theriot’s baserunning gaffes using Yakety Sax as the soundtrack and immediately resting their case.
February 22 – Position players all report to camp and it is revealed that Alfonso Soriano’s surgically repaired knee isn’t 100% healthy yet and he has not pushed it full speed in the off-season, prompting media and fans to question Soriano’s dedication despite Carrie Muskat explicity reporting:
“The Cubs' medical staff advised Soriano to not run full tilt this winter to avoid any setbacks.”
What a lazy son of a bitch.
February 24 – Lou Piniella discusses using Mike Fontenot as the back-up shortstop to Ryan Theriot in an effort to make Theriot seem competent at the position.
February 25 – Brett Jackson reveals that he enjoys having his blood drained for testing, which is appropriate for a Cubs fan, but maybe not so much for a Cubs player.
February 26 – Angel Guzman is shut down after having problems with his shoulder while rehabbing from his secret knee surgery earlier in the month. The only person happy about this news is Esmailin Caridad.
February 26 – The Cardinals sign utility infielder, Felipe Lopez, and are crowned the National League Central champions by the media without having to play a game. Congrats, Cardinals!
Coming next in March, Ozzie Guillen's acorn doesn't fall far from the won't-keep-his-mouth-shut tree and it turns out Jake Peavy hates the Cubs.