March 1 – The Missouri State Senate votes unanimously to remove Mark McGwire’s name from a stretch of I70 in St. Louis and renaming it for Mark Twain, despite allegations that Mark Twain used performance enhancing dictionaries in his writing.
March 1 – Representatives from the White Sox, Dodgers, Angels and Reds boycotted a Cactus League kickoff breakfast in Mesa, Arizona to protest the proposed Cubs Tax. The protest was largely unsuccessful as it just meant more bacon for everyone else.
March 3 – The Cubs sign Cuban right-handed pitching defector Juan Yasser Serrano on the basis that he was Jim Hendry’s favorite character in “Major League.”
March 3 – Milton Bradley tells the New York Times:
"Two years ago, I played, and I was good. I go to Chicago, not good. I've been good my whole career. So, obviously, it was something with Chicago, not me."
Milton proceeded to put the Seattle Mariners on his back as he regained his powers away from the Kryptonite of Chicago by posting a .641 OPS in 73 games for them.
March 3 – Gordon Wittenmyer endorses Kevin Millar for a bench spot, stating,
"Kevin Millar has done what nobody in the Cubs' clubhouse has done -- end a curse -- and he's willing to share the formula his self-proclaimed ''bunch of idiots'' in Boston used six years ago to bring down the Curse of the Bambino."
Thank DeRosa he was there to teach Curt Schilling, Pedro Martinez, David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, Johnny Damon how to be good at baseball. Ryan Theriot will surely become an All-Star under his tutelage.
March 4 – The Cubs first Spring Training lineup features their worst hitter, Ryan Theriot, leading off and their eventual best hitter, Geovany Soto, batting eighth. We should have known how things would go from there.
March 4 – Tylermania is officially kicked off as Tyler Colvin homers and doubles twice in the Cubs first Spring Training game. It becomes apparent that the only thing that can stop him is if someone stabs him in the chest, but that seems extremely unlikely.
March 7 – Xavier Nady continued to be held out of Spring Training games due to the recovery from Tommy John surgery taking longer than expected. He is relegated to sitting around and counting the $3.3 million Hendry gave him.
March 10 – Nady finally appears in his first Cactus League game as a DH as he still is not able to throw or scratch himself with his surgically repaired right arm. The Cubs estimate he’ll be able to throw by June, but are confident he will start a regimen of scratching as soon as April.
March 11 – Starlin Castro hits his first homerun of the Spring. Ryan Theriot was heard to say on the bench, “I can do that, but I don’t want to.”
March 12 – Jeff Samardzija gives up four runs on five hits and a walk in two innings against the Brewers. On the plus side, his hair was extremely manageable.
March 13 – John Gaub, Jeff Stevens, Justin Berg, Esmailin Caridad, and Mike Parisi pitched without giving up earned runs in split-squad action. The bullpen is going to be AWESOME!
March 15 – Lou Piniella announces that Ryan Theriot will be the lead-off man and that there would be no platoon based on the opposing starting pitcher because he’s tired of listening to Theriot talk about how awesome he would be at it.
March 15 – Angel Guzman decides to have surgery on his shoulder in an effort to give him the best chance at a comeback in his career after consulting with Dr. James Andrews, and presumably, Chad Fox.
March 18 – Cubs outfield prospect Gregorio Robles tested positive for performance enhancing drugs for the second time as he continued to take extreme and illegal measures to achieve his goal of having people know who he is.
March 19 - Oney Guillen is fired from the White Sox by his father, Ozzie, after posting a number of tweets mocking Kenny Williams and the Sox, resulting in the number of followers for Oney to increase by about 600% within a couple of days. Luckily, Jake Peavy saved the Sox PR department from mass suicide when he distracted the press by declaring how much he hates the Cubs.
March 20 – The Cubs cut Starlin Castro and he was never heard from again. Then Ryan Theriot woke up.
March 21 – In an epic battle for the last bench spot, both Chad Tracy and Kevin Millar go 0 for 3. Millar did, however, pull the snakes-in-a-peanut-can gag on Ryan Theriot causing him to giggle uncontrollably, thereby raising his all-important intangible quotient.
March 22 – Aramis Ramirez misses his 10th straight day of action with sore triceps. The Cubs insist he is fine and that his absence is precautionary. Knowing how honest and transparent the Cubs are with their players’ injuries, we can all assume that he was just being lazy.
March 23 – Ramirez plays as the DH and goes 2 for 3 with an RBI. All better.
March 26 – Jeff Samardzija gets sent to the bullpen in favor of Tom Gorzelanny and Carlos Silva but believes he should be a starter because neither of those guys’ hair is as shiny or flowing as his.
March 27 – Youngish shortstop, Andres Blanco, is traded to the Texas Rangers for something so insignificant that Baseball-Reference.com represents what the Rangers gave up in return as a blank space.
March 27 – Tyler Colvin goes 4 for 5 to raise his Spring OPS to 1.204, rescued orphans and puppies from a burning warehouse, and cured cancer and there was still a possibility that he might not make the team in favor of Sam Fuld.
March 27 – Bud Selig announces that the MLB will take over negotiating with Arizona lawmakers to find financing for the Cubs new Spring Training facility in Mesa.
"If everyone will stay out of the way, we'll get it done," Selig said.
He then added, “Got that, Todd?”
March 31 - The Cubs cut Kevin Millar and he goes on to get a job on the MLB Network annoying the hell out of everyone, and not just the people in the dugout. Awesome.
March 31 - The Cubs announce that the Cubs will be placing a statue of Billy Williams outside of Wrigley. To continue honoring the proud tradition of Cubs baseball, future statues will include Marla Collins, Yosh Kawano and Ron Santo’s toupee.
Coming in April, the actual start of the death march and we learn what the word is.