July 1 – Tyler Colvin dramatically ties the game against the Reds with a 2-run single in the bottom of the 8th inning, but the Cubs lose later 3-2 anyway when they let Bobby Howry pitch in the 10th inning.
July 1 – The Cubs plan to have Carlos Zambrano go to the minor leagues and then return to the bullpen after his timeout is over. Also, no TV for a month.
July 2 – Chad Tracy cleared waivers and became a free agent. He couldn’t find a major league team interested, so he signed with the Marlins.
July 4 – Marlon Byrd is named to the National League All-Star team because someone from the Cubs has to be and Pat Hughes, unfortunately, doesn’t count.
July 5 - Dusty Baker reveals to the Sun-Times that he knew EXACTLY how to fix the Cubs, but they wouldn’t let him when he was here and now he’s not going to tell. Other things Dusty knows how to do but that he is keeping secret: how to fix Social Security, cold fusion, and making Paris Hilton go away.
July 5 – The Cubs option Jeff Berg and call up Justin Stevens… or send down Justin Berg and call up Jeff Stevens… or something. It doesn’t fucking matter.
July 6 – Scott Rolen tells the Trib he knows why the Cubs suck. Their facilities stink and there are too many game time changes. Plus old guys can’t handle the grind and young guys party too much. Dusty Baker can neither confirm nor deny that he already had that theory.
July 8 - Tom Ricketts hosts a Season Ticket Holder Appreciation Day at Wrigley Field where members of the Cubs organization talked about Northwestern Football, concerts, future appreciation days and anything else they could think of besides talking about how they would improve the actual team.
July 9 - Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Aramis Ramirez’s batting average rises above the .200 mark for the first time since April 9th, thus signifying only six more weeks of the Cubs sucking. Six weeks later, Mike Quade takes over and the Cubs finish 24-13.
July 11 – The Cubs finish the first half of the season by getting shut out 7-0 by the Dodgers to lose 3 out of 4 in the series. Way to finish strong, boys.
July 13 - George Steinbrenner dies when Dusty Baker refuses to tell him the location of the Fountain of Youth.
July 13 – Marlon Byrd forgets he is representing the Cubs and makes an actual heads-up play by forcing David Ortiz at second base on a bloop line drive to center that fell in front of him, thus paving the way for a National League victory over the American League for the first time since the invention of the wheel.
July 14 – Joey Votto says he would never pat a Cub on the back to congratulate him on a good play. Bruce Levine thinks he was serious. Paul Sullivan thinks he was joking. Nobody can explain to me why it is important in the slightest.
July 14 - FOX Sports reports that Derrek Lee’s father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate says he would accept a trade to the Angels.
July 16 – Derrek Lee says he never said he would accept a trade and that nobody knows what he is going to do. Dusty Baker says he knows, but he isn’t going to tell.
July 18 – THE CUBS BEAT ROY HALLADAY! THE CUBS BEAT ROY HALLADAY! THE CUBS BEAT ROY HALLADAY! I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP! THE CUBS BEAT ROY HALLADAY!
July 19 – The Brewers manager, Ken Macha complains that Prince Fielder is getting hit with too many pitches. It turns out Fielder has his own gravitational pull.
July 20 – Lou Piniella announces he is retiring at season’s end and Cubs fans immediately complain that the best manager in most of our lives isn’t quitting soon enough.
July 21 – Tom Ricketts announces that Jim Hendry will hire the next manager of the Cubs and Ryne Sandberg sends an “old school” message that he is interested in the position via telegram.
July 22 – Carlos Zambrano pitches an inning for the Iowa Cubs in his quest to return to the major league team after his suspension. He faced five batters, threw fifteen pitches, gave up two hits, didn’t walk anyone, and adjusted his cup seventeen times.
July 26 – Cubs prospect, Josh Vitters, breaks his finger when he is hit by a pitch that is, ironically, the first pitch all season he didn’t swing at.
July 27 – Zambrano reveals that part of his anger management is to write down every time he gets mad. Zambrano’s normally quick pace on the mound slows considerably as he journals after every pitch he thinks should have been called a strike.
July 30 – Crain’s Chicago Business reports that Cubs game ratings are down almost 40% from the same time last season, revealing the sad truth that 60% of Cubs fans have had their remote controls hidden by Dusty Baker.
July 30 – The Cubs release Bobby Howry and the Rockies honor him with a fireworks display in scoring 12 runs on 13 hits off of three separate relievers in the bottom of the 8th inning in Colorado.
July 31 - Ted Lilly's awesomeness is traded to the Dodgers in exchange for Blake DeWitt and them agreeing to take Ryan Theriot as well.
Coming next month... the return of Zambrano and the departure of Lou.