Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Cubs Implement New Bubble Technology to Prevent Injuries

The Chicago Cubs have borrowed an idea from Seinfeld to help cease the seemingly endless string of injuries that have plagued Rich Harden and Milton Bradley for their entire careers.The players have all been sealed within hermetically sealed polyurethane environments that are designed to protect the extremely fragile players from further injury or sickness.

"Since we are entering the 2009 season as favorites to win the NL Central, we feel we need to take extreme measures to keep our players on the roster healthy and productive," said Team President, Crane Kenney. "We are very confident that the bubbles will ensure the best of health this season, and we will be able to make a very serious run at the World Series."

"Look, there's no getting around that some of these guys have a hard time staying healthy. Sometimes we need to take some extreme measures to keep guys like Rick and Melvin on the ballfield," said Lou Piniella, apparently referring to Harden and Bradley.

General Manager, Jim Hendry made it clear that the bubbles would be used team-wide, and not only on Harden and Bradley. "We know that D-Lee, A-Ram, and Big Z are starting to show some signs of age. The wear and tear on their bodies can't be ignored. We think the bubbles will really help these guys maintain their high level of play throughout the season."

The New York Yankees have reportedly been in contact with Kenney in hopes that the bubble technology can be used for their own team.

"I would absolutely store C.C. Sabathia in styrofoam peanuts if I thought it was feasible. The bubbles just make sense for everyone. I just wish we had been able to implement the bubbles before losing Alex," said Hank Steinbrenner.

The technology did not come without costs, however. "Unfortunately, the first bubbles did not allow proper ventilation and we lost Ryan Harvey and Mark Pawelek, who suffocated to death while testing them," said Kenney. "We would have tested them on monkeys or bunnies, but we figured nobody would miss them the way they were playing."


Anonymous said...

I didn't even read the whole thing cuz I started laughing. NICE!

Post a Comment

The easiest way to comment is to choose the Name/URL option from the Comment As dropdown menu below. You do not need to put in a URL for this option to work.

Sometimes upon submitting the comment, you will get an error saying there is a problem. Submit the comment again and it should work. I am looking into correcting this glitch.