Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Cubs Could Use Lots of Help

So now that Carlos Zambrano has been ordered to undergo therapy for his anger issues, the Cubs can get back to the business at hand and start winning baseball games ag..... HA HA HA HA!  I almost typed that out without bursting into laughter.

As Carlos works out dealing with his inner demons, it might be good to take a step back and see if maybe some other Cubs could do well with some outside training or therapy.  After all, the first step towards a cure is admitting there is a problem:

Jeff Baker - He should probably talk to someone about the leprechaun on his shoulder that tells him to burn things with his ass.  At the very least, I think some basic fire safety courses would be in order.  He might also want a course in burn treatment.

Starlin Castro - He definitely needs to invest in Tom Emanski's baseball fundamentals videos.  He can just fast forward to the part about applying tags at second base.

Tyler Colvin - I'm not saying he is a sex addict, but given his meteoric rise in popularity, his boyish good looks, and him spending a good part of his time in the target-rich environment that is Wrigleyville, he probably soon will be.  Might as well nip it in the bud.

Ryan Dempster - He may want to speak to a psychiatrist about his constant need to be the class clown.  Perhaps he uses his rubber chicken as a defense mechanism and his Harry Caray impression is a call for help.

Derrek Lee - Some say he is a quiet leader, but its possible he is just silently dealing with his own gigantism issues.

Ted Lilly - Sometimes, as Ted carves up an opposing offense while on the mound, I wonder if he would prefer to be carving them up with knives instead.  You can see it in his eyes.  He might want to talk to someone about that.

Aramis Ramirez - A return to his Cock Fighting Anonymous meetings might be in order.  His terrible hitting might just be a symptom of cock-fighting withdrawal.

Carlos Silva - Subliminal weight loss tapes. Because I needed a few more jokes and I'm not above pandering to the lowest common denominator.

Ryan Theriot - Napoleon complex.  See explanation for Silva, Carlos.

Randy Wells - I'm not saying the rumors about Wells and the alcohol and the late nights are true, but I am saying that what happens at an AA meeting, stays at an AA meeting.  I understand there is still an opening from when Kyle Farnsworth left town.

I know I'm going to need some therapy after this season is over.  See you all there!


Cubby-Blue said...

Hi Tim,
I hadn't heard any of those Randy Wells rumors, but I'm mostly just at work so...
Anyway, hilarious stuff as usual.
I wonder who Lou spoke to to calm himself down?
A mirror?
Hey, can you email me something so I get your email and then, once I get that thing we were talking about drawn, I can send it to you?

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