Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Cubs Continue Disneyfication of Wrigley By Adding Fantasyland

The Cubs spend the majority of the year claiming they don't know what they can do to score more runs or win more ballgames, but when it comes to finding new methods to separate the fans from their money, the Cubs have a seemingly unending laundry list of ideas to implement.

Paul Sullivan reported today about the latest plan to take cash from our wallets in large chunks:

The Cubs are offering diehard fans a chance to emulate their pin-striped heroes, though getting doubled off second base on a routine fly to left is strictly optional.

"Cubs Fantasy Camp at Wrigley Field" is the latest in a series of revenue-enhancers announced by the Cubs in 2010, following the PNC Club, the Toyota sign and the Noodle.

The idea of a Cubs Fantasy Camp is so ripe for jokes that Paul couldn't even get through the lede without making a TOOTBLAN joke, and I can't say I blame him.  What do we get for our money?

For a mere $7,500, a Cubs' fan will get batting tips from Ernie Banks and Billy Williams,

Ernie:  Keep your eye on the ball.

(whiff)

Billy: OK, that was good, but this time, keep your eye on the ball.

(whiff)

Ernie:  Better.  Remember now... keep your eye on the ball.

(whiff)

Billy:  Strike three.  OK, next time, you gotta keep your eye on the ball.

Fan:  Thanks!

Ernie: Shut up.  Next!

a custom made Cubs' uniform,

Just like the kind Ronnie Woo wears!

a chance to take batting practice off Rick Sutcliffe,

Why don't they have John Grabow pitch so that everyone can experience hitting a homerun?

a day in a private suite for a Cubs-Reds game on Aug. 8,

Where you can drink all you want and yell at the Cubs batters about how they aren't keeping their eye on the ball like Ernie and Billy taught.

a one-day contract and a chance to play in a game on the actual field on Aug. 9, when the Cubs will be in San Francisco.

They should throw in a no-trade clause just to make it really authentic.

After the game, a news conference will follow in the interview room, where participants will presumably sit in the same seat that Lou Piniella gives his post-mortems after one-run losses.

Now that Mark DeRosa's season is over, maybe he can be a guest instructor that teaches proper use of stubble in a post-game interview.

3 comments:

Aisle 424 said...

By the way, I really don't think Ernie Banks would be such an asshole as I portrayed him, but I thought it would be funny if someone told the fan to shut up. Sorry, Ernie.

Anonymous said...

Where do you sit? I sit in 423 row 6.

Aisle 424 said...

I'm in Row 7 on the left side of the Aisle.

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