Getting to Know: Mike Fontenot

Name: Mike Fontenot

Position: 2nd Base/Backup SS?

Batting Order Position: 7th?

Bats/Throws: Left/Right

Opening Day Age: 29

Uniform Number: 17

Can you even believe this guy is the only asset the Cubs have left from trading Sammy Sosa?: No.

After last season, we have to use the term "asset" loosely when referring to Fontenot, but he is a warm body that Lou still sees as a potential useful member of the team.  That sure is what you hope a team can get in return for a player who single-handedly carried your team for about five years and would be an easy Hall of Fame vote if the writers would get it through their heads that damn near everyone was using some sort of PED at the time, and Sammy was among the best of them.

Who do I have to thank for allowing me to place a gratuitous photo of Megan Fox in an otherwise boring post about Mike Fontenot?: The Cubs Brickyard.

They probably also have a pretty good case to be made that they should get some royalties from the upcoming movie, She's Out of My League. The storyline seems to be stolen from one of their blog posts about Mike Fontenot trying to tell his teammates that he was dating Megan Fox, and none of them believing him.

“I’m not saying he doesn’t have a girlfriend. And I’m not even saying she isn’t hot. But she isn’t Megan Fox. Making knucklechildren with a Ladies Home Journal featuring an interview with Megan Fox doesn’t make her your girlfriend [said Mark DeRosa]...

...After four or five hours of zingers from teammates, Fontenot had had enough. He stormed out of the clubhouse shouting that he would be back, and he would have proof of his relationship with Megan Fox.

When he came back some 30 minutes later, he stood victoriously, and lifted over his head - so it was eye level for the rest of those in the room - what he claimed was proof of his torrid celebrity love affair: a pair of Megan Fox’s panties...

...“Look, all I’m saying,” said DeRosa, “is if you’re going to claim you’re have a pair of Megan Fox’s panties, you should probably make sure they’re like, a lacy number or a thong. Not a pair of Hanes Her Way. Oh, and clean. Make sure they’re clean.”

“And I don’t know where he got those, but he got them fast. It only took him 30 minutes. Here’s what I know. Megan Fox lives in Los Angeles, a couple thousand miles away. I know what you’re thinking, maybe he had them at his place. Well, Mike lives way up North, approximately 45 minutes from Wrigley Field.”

“Mike’s mom lives about four blocks away. I’m just saying. You do the math.”

Baseball-Reference.com's Most Similar Batter: Geronimo Pena (cue Sad Trombone)

Fourth Most Similar Batter Through the Age of 29: Mark DeRosa!

Why We Might Like Him:

• In 2008 he had an OPS of .909, earning him the nicknames "Little Babe Ruth" and "The Pocket Rocket"
• We think of him as a youngster because of his tiny stature and it is hard not to root for children.
• He is not Aaron Miles.

Why We Might Hate Him:

• Aaron Miles isn't here to take the heat off him as he puts up a .677 OPS like he did last year.
• The more he plays, the less we will see the awesomeness of Jeff Baker.
• Two words: The Mullet
• He looks a little too much like the Russian cry-baby ice skater, Evgeni Plushenko

If You Rearrange the Letters in His Name You Get: "OMEN OF KITTEN" and "NOT TO KNIFE ME"

What Cubs Blogosphere Thinks of Him:

• A League of Her Own - "If I have to grab Fontenot off the field in Mesa, tie him up, toss him in the back of my car, and hold him in a safehouse somewhere to get people to stop thinking he can start, so help me, I'll do it!"
• Goat Riders of the Apocalypse - "Fontenot's line drop % dropped from 24.1 to 17.5, which explains a lot of the drop in BABIP. Line drives fall for hits about 75% of the time. Line drives are also much more likely to go for extra bases. Fontenot's ISO fell off the face of the earth, dropping nearly 70 points. Font wasn't squaring the ball up last season, and his hitting suffered. Luck probably had something to do with his bad year end stats, but so did his ability to drive the ball. He isn't going to ever be the player we hoped he might be."
• Hire Jim Essian - "Remember in 2004 when Todd Hollandsworth was so awesome in a part-time role that some fans were actually seriously screaming for him to replace Sammy Sosa in right field? And then remember in 2005 when Hollandsworth was given a starting spot in left field as Moises Alou’s replacement, and he sucked, and everyone wanted to punch him right in his blond mullet? Well, Fontenot has a blond mullet."