NOTE: I wrote this post while watching the Bears play the Ravens, so please forgive the moments where it may seem as though I am about to set off on a psychopathic rage.
The Milton Bradley saga has finally drawn to a close with all of Cub Nation flipping a collective bird as he heads off into the sunset towards Starbucks City.
It is time to put the mistakes of the past behind us. It is time to heal the wounds. It is time to move forward.
CUTLER, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH! WHAT THE HELL? IS IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN JERSEY COLOR?
It is time to usher in a new era of peace and harmony.
Mainly, it is a time to figure out who the Cubs will have roaming around in the outfield this season. The general consensus is that now is the opportunity to move Kosuke Fukudome back to right field where he is more comfortable, so the Cubs are looking for a center fielder.
SOMEONE MIGHT WANT TO ACTUALLY TACKLE RAY RICE OCCASIONALLY! HOLY CRAP, YOU ALL SUCK!
Luckily, the Cubs went rummaging through an old pair of pants and found some spare change amongst the pocket lint otherwise known as Carlos Silva. They brought the pennies to a Coin Star and found out they have about $6 million more to spend than they did before. Yay!!! Found money!!!
OH GREAT, ANOTHER INTERCEPTION! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CHECK TO MAKE SURE THAT ISN'T REX GROSSMAN IN DISGUISE?!! WHOEVER IT IS SHOULD BE TAKEN OUT AND DUMPED INTO CHESAPEAKE BAY BEFORE THE OFFENSE HAS TO TAKE THE FIELD AGAIN!
Unfortunately, the market for centerfielders has been pretty sparse this season, and the early-bird shoppers have already beat the Cubs to Mike Cameron and Curtis Granderson, so the remnants left on the shelves include Scott Podsednik (who was made available because the White Sox preferred noodle-armed Juan Pierre), Rick Ankiel (who is actually just what would happen if Brant Brown had ever used steroids for a brief period), and Marlon Byrd (who is a pretty good hitter when he is hitting in the Stadium in Arlington, Texas, but unfortunately, the Cubs hardly ever play there).
WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE COVER TODD HEAP?!! WHO LET'S TODD HEAP SCORE TWO TOUCHDOWNS BEFORE THE FIRST QUARTER ENDS?!
I'm hoping that Jim Hendry doesn't have his usual post-season blinders on and realizes that he doesn't absolutely have to spend that $6 million he just got from Seattle. He gets so focused on what has to happen, he loses sight of the fact that signing a center fielder from that list of center fielders would actually only make the team worse, while at the same time locking up the money that could probably be spent later in the season on a deadline deal for a player who might actually be good at playing baseball.
HEY LOOK! A FIRST AND GOAL FOR THE BEARS! THEY MIGHT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?! OH HOLY HELL, I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH.
I don't want to get anyone too excited (Phil Rogers, I'm looking at you), but Carl Crawford is a free agent in 2011 and he'll only be 29 years old at that time. If the Rays start falling behind the Red Sox and Yankees again in the AL East, they may try to trade him before losing him for nothing to free agency. As much as the media salivated over a decent player like Granderson, they will absolutely cream their pants over a player of Crawford's abilities.
OK - WE GOT A PUNT RETURN FROM BENNETT AND WE'RE READY TO... CAN SOMEONE COVER ANYONE IN THE SECONDARY?! GREAT, THERE GOES THE COMEBACK ON A TD PASS TO SOME RECEIVER THAT I'VE NEVER HEARD OF. AWESOME.
Personally, I could live with a few months of Sam Fuld and whatever right-handed equivalent they can dig up to platoon out there if it meant making a serious run at a player like Carl Crawford at the deadline. Save the money and resist the urge to throw it all (and likely even more than that) into a three-year deal with a no-trade clause to some baseball equivalent of Shemp.
GREAT! A FUMBLED KICKOFF RETURN. WHY THE HELL AM I WATCHING THIS SHIT ANYMORE?! SOMEONE JUST KILL ME.
But knowing Hendry, he'll feel this irresistable compulsion to show that he's doing something, and we'll be watching Marlon Byrd strikeout a lot this summer at Wrigley. Then we'll watch Crawford get traded to some other team that is not the Cubs and we'll all wonder why we're paying so much to watch a team that can't win seventy games.
NOW FORTE CAN'T HOLD ONTO THE F---ING BALL?! I JUST WANT TO THROW MY LAPTOP OUT THE
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Check this out at Aisle 424: Podsednik, Ankiel, and Byrd, Oh My (BEARS SUCK!)Tweet this! Posted by SixRowBrewCo at 11:06 PM