I See How It's Going to Be

So after Aramis Ramirez recovered from his minor injury that held him out of the lineup and he started hitting the ball with authority again, the baseball gods decided that he needed something really serious to take him down. Boom. Separated left shoulder, he's gone for at least four weeks, more likely six, and I wouldn't be surprised by eight weeks.

Well, thank God that Jim Hendry unloaded the virtually useless Joey Gathright and got a player in Ryan Freel who can legitimately play third base and provide at least a decent on-base percentage to the offense. Way to stay a step ahead of the baseball gods, Jim! Boom. Tight hamstring, and Freel is out of the lineup.

Well, f--- you, baseball gods! F--- you and your sister. Keep on coming after us, tough guys, we're still here. Do you think that a couple of injuries will keep us from catching the St. Louis Pujolses? Do you think that cursing every pitcher in our bullpen to always walk the first batter they face is going to keep us from staying ahead of Ned Yost and the Fat Man?

Keep bringing it, motherf---ers! We still have a suspension for Bradley and a Rookie of the Year catcher who seems to have left his bat in 2008. Are we concerned? Check out how scrappy this team is!

Bobby Scales will climb out of whatever backwater towns in which he has been playing baseball for the last thirty-something years and shove a cleat so far up your asses you'll taste the infield mud stuck on them.

Mike Fontenot and Ryan Theriot will bite at your knees until you fall and then they'll rip your eyes out of your sockets and hit them softly into short right field.

Aaron Miles will tear your heads off and throw them almost all the way to first base on a fly.

Ryan Freel will get a hamstring transplant from his imaginary friend, Farney, if he has to. This team will not be stopped by a couple of piddling injuries and loss of discernable baseball talent.

The baseball gods think that a few injuries will collapse this team like so many other Cubs teams in the past. They think that we'll just say, "Here we go again," and just accept it. They want us to say, "Wait 'til next year" before Memorial Day.

Well, f--- that and f--- you, you malicious, malevolent, assclowns. I have no reverence or respect for you any longer. There is no logic. There is no justice. There is no benevolence in any form. You are pure evil and should be given papercuts on your eyes while being forced to listen to Nancy Kerrigan, Kelly Pickler, and Denise Richards sing "Take me Out to the Ballgame" as a trio, and having your genitals slowly dipped into a pool of hydrocholric acid.

You can pile on all the bulls--- injuries you can muster. You can make Bradley's head literally implode. You can take Derrek Lee's neck and turn it around all the way around like Linda Blair. You can continue turning Geovany Soto into the second coming of Scott Servais.

We shall overcome and dance on your f---ing graves. Suck it, screw off, bite me, and go to f---ing hell from whence you came.

You got a problem with that? You know where to find me in Aisle 424, bitch.

Cubs Trade Car Jumper for Potential Mental Patient

I can't say I called it because I didn't document my thought anywhere - not even on Twitter - but when I saw Lou coming out to the mound to get Chad Fox last night, I couldn't tell if he was more pissed at Fox or Joey Gathright. I also knew that if Lou had his way, neither would be on the roster for very long.

The trip to the mound came after a deep fly ball that should have been caught bounced on the warning track for a triple because Gathright didn't call it, and then got scared of a collision with Soriano. This came after Fox had walked the leadoff man, and then given up a triple that should have been a double, but nearly became an inside-the-park homerun when Gathright misplayed the ball off the wall.

Lou pulled Fox and brought in Kevin Gregg to close a game where the score going into the ninth inning was 8-2. You could tell he probably would have preferred pulling the still-beating heart out of Fox's chest and showing it to him as he died, or pulling Gathright's head and spine out with one swift motion, but he just took the ball from Fox and handed it to Gregg.

The death stare he gave both Gathright and Fox on his way to the mound was the moment I knew in my heart that Joey Gathright was not long for this roster. I also knew that Chad Fox is not far behind if Lou can find anyone (Mr. Randy Wells, in case you don't recognize it, this is a H-U-G-E opportunity for you to show you belong in the major leagues) who can throw a damn strike.

Today, the Cubs have traded Gathright to the Orioles for Ryan Freel. This trade helps both teams as it furthers Andy MacPhail's goal of obtaining every speedy, no-hit, ex-Cub centerfielder available (I'm kind of surprised that Damon Buford hasn't shown up in an Oriole uniform somehow), and Hendry's goal of fielding a team composed entirely of scrappy second basemen.

Seriously, Freel is not useless, though I don't think he can jump over a car. He has a decent enough career OBP of .357, though his career slugging percentage is .374, so unless he suddenly pulls a Theriot, there won't be much in the way of extra-base hits. He is also unquestionably scrappy, and very possibly certifiably insane (excellent find by The Cub Reporter), so he and Farney should fit in well in Wrigleyville.

Freel can also play third, and all of the outfield spots, so he will be more tempting to actually use in game situations than Gathright was, which means he'll play more than Gathright did. So the question is, what damages the team more? Gathright hardly playing, but when he does, sucking beyond all that is possible to suck, or more playing time for another one of our cloned diminutive second basemen.

All I know for sure is that Chad Fox better watch his back, because Lou may still very well kill him if he keeps pitching like he did in Houston last night.

A-Rod Has Got to be Psyched

Alex Rodriguez suddenly isn't the story in baseball anymore. The Los Angeles Times is reporting that Manny Ramirez has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs and will serve the mandatory 50 game suspension.

"The test result and suspension is expected to be announced later today. The Dodgers informed triple-A outfielder Xavier Paul this morning that he was being promoted to Los Angeles."

This is going to be talked about and dissected every which way from Sunday. Which was more damaging to baseball, A-Rod or Manny being caught? Will baseball survive? Can fans be comfortable with any player putting up great numbers without suspicion?

My question is why the Dodgers are allowed to promote someone from the minors to replace Manny. The Cubs won't be able to bring up anyone to take Bradley's spot when he has to serve his suspension. Players aren't replaced on rosters when booted for charging the mound or beaning batters. Why can the Dodgers replace Manny with someone from their farm system?

Sure, the punishment to the Dodgers is fair in this case because the Dodgers lineup will take about as big a step backwards as it possibly can:

"Juan Pierre, the likely replacement for Ramirez in left field, has batted ninth in two of his five starts this season."

Of course, the presence of Xavier Paul on the roster could possibly make the drop not quite as precipitous if he ends up with more playing time. Joe Torre liked him at the end of Spring Training, and he has decent minor league numbers at each level.

So the question remains, why is that even an option for the Dodgers? Manny misbehaved as an employee of their organization, so how are they able to use it as an opportunity to call up a minor leaguer they'd like to try out?

I just don't understand how the league thinks they are going to be able to "clean up" Major League Baseball when the teams have no incentive at all to police their own players.

All that is going to happen is that Bud Selig is going to sacrifice a couple of big name stars and later stand up in front of a large group of cameras and indignantly tell the world that he is determined to rid baseball of PEDs. He will point at Manny and claim that no superstar is safe from scrutiny or punishment.

Then, when the heat dies down he can go back to not caring in the least what the players are doing as long as revenues keep going up.

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UPDATE
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Things get worse in the world of Manny as it is now being reported by Yahoo! Sports (and brought to my (and almost 40,000 other Twitter followers') attention via Alyssa Milano, actress, Dodger fan, and baseball blogger:

The substance he was allegedly taking was not designed to boost performance in baseball, though, in a sense it would help him "score."

"It is not Viagra, but a substance that treats the cause rather providing a temporary boost in sexual performance, the source said.

Ramirez tested positive for the substance during spring training, then was administered a second test more recently, and it also was positive."

Manny reportedly has admitted taking the substance, is not appealing the suspension, and will begin losing almost $8 million in salary starting immediately. Though Manny may be pursuing some litigation in which to claim back some of that lost salary, according to the Yahoo! story:

"Ramirez, the source said, acquired the substance through a prescription from a doctor in Miami for his medical condition. The source intimated that Ramirez might bring legal action against the physician.

Ramirez released the following statement Thursday morning: “Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons."

Alex Rodriguez could do naked cartwheels down the middle of the street now and nobody would notice.

When Racism and Fashion Collide

Apparently some entrepreneurs in St. Louis have come up with a new t-shirt design to enhance the smartest fans in the world's wardrobes. I first saw it posted at Wrigleyville23, and have seen numerous references to it on Twitter, so they are getting all kinds of free publicity. The joke revolves around Carlos Zambrano having a second career in lawn maintenance.

I feel a little dirty actually adding to the free media about this shirt, but since only a few people outside my immediate family ever actually find this site, I think my impact will be minor on the overall sales of the shirt.

While it is easy to pass this off as simply an example of St. Louis folks being uneducated hicks, Cub fans are hardly innocent when it comes to making a buck off of the cheapest, easiest jokes that can fit on a t-shirt.

I like to think I can take a joke, and I like to think I can bring the funny from time to time. I also try my best to avoid the easy joke as much as possible since easy jokes are rarely funny because almost anyone can make them. Easy jokes are there for tension breakers, fillers in a boring blog post, and the scripts for Two and a Half Men.

When the jokes cross over into the malicious and offensive categories, they certainly shouldn't be captured for posterity on an item of clothing to be worn in public.

It is why I don't understand the market for t-shirts like this:

or this

or this

or this

Seriously, why would you ever wear a shirt that says to the world that you are a racist or a homophobe?

Believe what you want, say what you want, and wear whatever hate-laced bumper sticker humor you want. It's a free country and you have every right, but do you really want to be painted in such a negative light by a dumb joke on a t-shirt?

For every rube that thinks attacks on Asians, Hispanics, African-Americans, poor people and gay people are funny, there are many, many more that come to the immediate conclusion that you are wearing the t-shirt because your Nazi uniform is at the cleaners, or that your parents met at a family reunion.

People - there are cameras EVERYWHERE now. There are cameras all over the bleachers at Wrigley for security, in the hands of tourists, and on just about everyone's phones. Do you really want to get tagged in a Facebook picture wearing any of these shirts where your family, co-workers, potential employers, and God knows who else can see it?

You would prefer to turn-off the hot girl who has a gay brother, get punched by the black guy whose mother lives near Comiskey, or get fired by your boss with the Hispanic wife? You want to pay money to someone who has a third-grader's sense of humor for that kind of risk?

By the way, the depiction of Zambrano on the t-shirt is way off. He's not scratching his nuts enough.

Wacka wacka wacka.

31 Random Thoughts

In honor of the number 31 worn by Greg Maddux and Fergie Jenkins, below are 31 random thoughts on the Cubs 2009 season so far:

1. Derrek Lee, Geovany Soto, Aramis Ramirez, Milton Bradley, Carlos Marmol, and now (probably) Carlos Zambrano will all have missed playing time due to injuries already and the Cubs are still 13-11 on the season.
2. It's great that Ryan Theriot has hit a couple of homeruns recently, but it looked like he was trying to kill the ball on Sunday with no one on base. That's not his game. Then he laid down a bunt single later and I felt better.
3. I still can't stand Aaron Miles.
4. I don't miss Michael Wuertz or Chad Gaudin even a little bit.
5. I'd prefer having Ronny Cedeno on the team instead of Joey Gathright.
6. There just isn't anywhere on the roster for Jake Fox as long as The Hoff keeps hitting.
7. Keeping Angel Guzman and David Patton was absolutely the right decision at the time.
8. Barring a miracle, neither Guzman or Patton will be on the roster for the whole year.
9. I still can't get used to seeing an ad for Horseshoe Casinos instead of Budweiser on the building across Waveland.
10. I can't think of a situation where I would be OK with Neal Cotts coming into a game.
11. If Carlos Zambrano continues to be the best pinch-hitting option for this team, its going to be a long, long year.
12. Wishing I would see firsthand why Milton Bradley is worth $30 million.
13. I'm nearing the point where I will say I was wrong to worry about Fukudome - but I don't want to for fear of jinxing it.
14. I'm not worried about Geovany Soto.
15. I like Ted Lilly more and more every day.
16. Sean Marshall is becoming what I had hoped Rich Hill would be last year.
17. Now that Aramis has finally answered the question, "Who will be the next Ron Santo?" can we get to work on who will be the next Bruce Sutter?
18. I don't have a problem with Denise Richards singing horribly during the Seventh Inning Stretch, I have a problem with filling the slot with celebrities who are trying to market their new book, movie, hair product, or reality show that have no actual interest in, or knowledge of, the Cubs or baseball in general.
19. Joey Gathright and Ryan Theriot both graduated Summa Cum Laude from the Dwight Smith School of Baserunning.
20. How come nobody is saying we shouldn't have let Paul Bako go? Oh, right, he sucks.
21. How is Neal Cotts' ERA not in double digits?
22. Remember when Reed Johnson robbed Prince Fielder of a game-tying grand slam? That was awesome.
23. Is it just me, or are there fewer kids and more drunken fools in the stands this year?
24. You know what would make life so much easier in the concession lines? Condiment packets instead of having to unwrap every hot dog and brat in order to get a squirt of mustard from a dispenser.
25. Mark DeRosa is the new Chuck Norris.
26. I'll go on record right here and now and say I'm in favor of whatever signage, jingles, or other marketing nonsense they want to sell if it means keeping my ticket prices from tripling again in the next 10 years.
27. Soriano can not and should not hit anywhere in the order except leadoff, unless we want another .200 guy in the middle of the order AND no lead-off hitter.
28. When you're thrilled if you get 25 starts out of Rich Harden, it's hard to fathom Fergie Jenkins once had 30 complete games in a season.
29. I still can't believe that Greg Maddux and Andre Dawson were replaced by Jose Guzman and Candy Maldonado.
30. Say what you want about Hendry's moves, but he has added payroll left and right to try to win a championship, and would probably kill himself with his cell phone if he had to let a Cy Young winner walk because of money.
31. The no Cubs on the disabled list streak ends today with Carlos Zambrano being lost and Hendry loses the bet and his soul to the devil.
    

Theriot Found Some of Sammy's Leftover Flintstones Vitamins

I just returned from the Ryan Theriot Power Hour at Wrigley. I don't know what Theriot has been eating, drinking, or getting injected into his body by Alex Rodriguez's cousin, but he probably hit his first inning homerun as hard as he has ever hit a ball in his entire life.

He hit the ball into a fairly steady wind that was blowing across Wrigley from left to right, so it was not a cheap homerun at all, and completely shocked the hell out of us up in Aisle 424.

As he was rounding the bases, the general mood of Aisle 424 was summed up by one of the guys sitting to my left who said, "Was that f---ing Theriot? Holy s---! What the f---?!"

Slappy's recent homerun prowess is making my nickname seem silly in light of the fact that he has as many homeruns on the season as Derek Lee (who later hit a ball into Kingman territory across Waveland) and two more than Geovany Soto. Nevertheless, I will still refer to him as Slappy until we stop being shocked by his power.

As for the rest of the game, we were in store for some more unlikely thrills from the Bizarro Cubs when Ted Lilly hammered a two-run double over the right-fielder's head, Micah Hoffpauir made a diving catch on a Hanley Ramirez linedrive, and the Cubs bullpen in the form of Aaron Heilman struck out the side in the 9th inning.

All in all, it was a very nice, relaxing day to be at the ballpark, which is good since I'm going to need every bit of heart muscle at full strength for the Bulls/Celtics Game 7 later tonight.

Now Batting for the Pitcher... Carlos Zambrano?

What an unbelievably riveting game! Those in Aisle 424 were clinging to every aspect of the game and cheering madly all the way through to the end.

I'm, of course, speaking of the Bulls' triple overtime Game 6 victory over the Celtics that could be seen on the press box TV from Aisle 424. The game being played in front of them on the field was pure horse manure.

Actually, calling the ending to the Cubs game horse manure implies that something positive could possibly grow from it.

I was not in Aisle 424 last night. Kris drew the short straw to attend the game when I got to go to one of the area's local establishments to watch all three games being played last night, the Bulls, the Blackhawks' first game of their second playoff series versus Vancouver, and the Cubs return home to the Friendly Confines of Wrigley Field.

I was sending Kris periodic updates about the Bulls to her phone, but soon stopped when she informed me that everyone in the section was watching the game on the pressbox TV.

Frankly, I didn't see much of the Cubs game because the Bulls game was just too good. But every now and then, I would sneak a glance over to see what was happening in Wrigley. This is what I remember witnessing:

• Ryan Theriot dropping a fly ball into short left-field in the first.
• Milton Bradley rounding the bases after a homerun.
• Mike Fontenot following him with his own to go back-to-back.
• Sean Marshall looking pretty darn good for most of his seven innings.
• Carlos Marmol throwing lots more pitches that were nowhere near strikes.
• Carlos Zambrano pinch-hitting in the 8th inning of a tie game and the crowd cheering about it.
• Ryan Theriot dropping a throw from Derrek Lee on a force out attempt.
• Koyie Hill playing third base.
• Aaron Heilman joining the Ballooning ERA Brigade by not being able to get anyone out in the 10th inning.

I've never been so thankful to be distracted by the Bulls. I hope they can somewhow manage to win Game Seven in Boston just so I can be guaranteed having four more Bulls games to cloud the fact the Cubs just plain suck right now.

They are playing like they did in the playoffs the last two years, which as we all know is not even close to being a good thing.

What I don't understand, is the joy the crowd expressed when Lou felt his best option for a pinch-hitter in the 8th inning of a tied game was a pitcher. Yes, we all joke about Zambrano being a better hitter than some of the guys on the bench, BUT THIS WAS LOU PRACTICALLY ADMITTING IT! How is that worth cheering?

Micah Hoffpauir is that useless against a left-handed reliever? A left handed reliever, mind you, that has a 6.75 ERA, and has allowed opposing left-handed hitters to hit .345/.545/.942? Is Hoffpauir hurt too?

Will someone please remind Jim Hendry that the disabled list can be a useful tool to use so that you don't have a team playing with its back-up catcher at third base? Is our organizational depth so bad that we just have to sit and hope and pray for a miracle recovery? How is playing Bobby Scales at 3rd possibly worse than what is happening on the field right now?

If the organization is that bad, why isn't Jim Hendry being given his walking papers? Wouldn't this be the second time in his tenure he has run the "all eggs in one basket" strategy and it has blown up on him?

Injuries happen. Teams have to deal with them, not close their eyes and wish the injured players back to health while pitchers are sent in to pinch-hit.

Serenity now... serenity now... that's not working.

Daaa Bulls, da Bulls, da Bulls, da Bulls.... yep, that'll do for now.