Thursday, December 3, 2009

Cubs Trade Fox, Miles, Cash and Easy Jokes to Oakland

You know when you want something so much that you envision your dream coming true and how it would almost have to be the most awesome day of your entire life?  But then you get what you were wishing for and somehow it doesn't measure up?

It happened to me when Phantom Menace came out after years of hoping and praying that Lucas would provide us with Darth Vader's backstory.  The result was learning that Luke inherited his penchant for being a whiny bitch from his father, and that even aliens want to sound like Vin Scully when they do sports commentary.  The worst thing, however, was Jar-Jar Binks. 

He was f---ing awful.  I saw him onscreen and I kept hoping he would do something cool or even not f---ing annoying, but he continued to underwhelm the ever-lowering expectations.  He was the Aaron Miles of the Star Wars franchise.

So here we are at the moment we have all been waiting for, the departure of Aaron Miles from the Cubs, and I am not finding myself dancing and singing and giving high fives to random people on the streets like I thought I would.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad Aaron Miles is gone.  At his best, he is not a good baseball player and was merely blocking cheaper talent with more potential from the major league roster.  His presence did nothing to make the Cubs a better baseball team, and only impeded its ability to get any better.

Perhaps what is dampening my joy is the fact that the Cubs will be paying him $1 million this season to not play baseball for them.  Granted, I think that if Cubs fans had been able to pass a hat throughout the stadium, the donations for the Pay Aaron Miles To Not Play fund drive probably would have come up with more than that, but the principle bothers me.

Maybe it's the fact that the phone call with Billy Beane probably went something like this:

Jim:  Hey Billy, I've got a veteran middle-infielder that really needs a change of scenery and I think he'd make a great option off your bench and...

Billy:  Jim, I'm going to stop you right there.  What makes you think I'm an idiot?

Jim: Hey, I didn't...

Billy:  Seriously, what the hell?  I don't want Aaron Miles.  I wouldn't trade you the fattest, baldest, drunkest, still-dressed-in-Raiders-black-and-silver-paint moron from our bleachers for Aaron Miles.

Jim: You didn't let me finish.  I'm also going to give you... Milton Bradley!  He is so Moneyball!  He's patient, he draws a lot of walks.  He led our team in OBP last year.  You LOVE OBP and will LOVE Milton.  He may be a Raiders fan too, it would explain an awful lot.

Billy:  F--- you.

Jim:  OK, OK. You can't blame a guy for trying.  Seriously, how about Jake Fox?  The dude can hit.

Billy: I'm glad you're finally getting serious.  There are some nice players from my system I could give up for Jake Fox...

Jim: And Miles.

Billy:  What?  No, I told you I don't want that piece of shit.  I like GUYS WHO GET ON BASE!  You just said it!! I like high OBP.  Jesus, Jim!  He's not even good at being normal human height.

Jim: Yes, I hear you.  You don't want Aaron Miles.  How about I give you Jake Fox, one million dollars.... and.... Aaron Miles.

Billy: (sigh)  Alright.  I do like Fox.  I could probably use the million to have Miles killed and dropped into the Bay.  How about I give you a 28-year old rookie we took in the 32nd round and might make a serviceable middle-reliever, a guy that your fan base will be really excited about in about five years because he can hit the ball pretty well from the left-side, but can't catch a ball better than an average four-year old or Micah Hoffpauir, and an A-ball pitcher that might be good in a few years, but probably will have arm problems because otherwise I wouldn't part with him.

Jim: DEAL!!

Somehow I had hoped that Jake Fox would be a better bargaining chip than simply being the carrot to get someone to take a chance on Miles and only roughly 60% of his salary.

Or it may be that I won't have such an easy source of comedy anymore.  Now I know how Jon Stewart must have felt when George Bush left office.


Kimmy said...

I read your article out loud to my husband, as we are both Cubs fans. Thank you. It was a perfect smile that I needed to close this day.

Jim: DEAL! (I am still giggling)

Aisle 424 said...

Thanks. I think your comment is more valuable than what Hendry just got in return for Miles and Fox.

Charley said...

Ha ha, great post Aisle and I love the Star Wars comparsion! Is it to late to get DeRosa back at 2nd? I hope this is a sign they are making a move, otherwise Fontenot is our 2B in 2010.

Aisle 424 said...

DeRosa and his bad wrist will want too much money. If they end up going to camp with Jeff Baker, Fontenot, and Blanco fighting for playing time at second base, they are already better off than having Miles involved in that mix.

Also, if Castro is as good as the hype would lead us to believe, the chance of moving Theriot to 2nd might be possible as well. Not holding my breath on that one for 2010, though.

Post a Comment

The easiest way to comment is to choose the Name/URL option from the Comment As dropdown menu below. You do not need to put in a URL for this option to work.

Sometimes upon submitting the comment, you will get an error saying there is a problem. Submit the comment again and it should work. I am looking into correcting this glitch.