Monday, August 31, 2009

Rating the Hate

As I sat and watched someone named Nelson Figueroa mow down Cubs hitters, my hatred of the entire team took a couple of more steps forward. On Twitter, @hey_sue asked me to rate my hatred of Theriot on a scale of one to ten, assuming ten is Aaron Miles.

While I have ranted about my frustrations before, I thought I would try to quantify the emotions and Rate the Hate:

Ryan Theriot - 7.5 - I still give him some credit for being a better player than he should be given his lack of actual talent and height. It also isn't his fault he is playing shortstop, where he is utterly lacking instead of second base. That said, he is an idiot who thinks he is a real shortstop and a power hitter. His strikeouts are way up and he seems incapable of taking a walk anymore. These are fixable things, but he seems dimly unaware that there is even a problem.

Milton Bradley - 7.0 - If I could restrict my feelings of hatred to simply things that occur on the baseball field, I probably wouldn't hate Bradley nearly as much. His OBP is the best on the team, and the man does hustle. The problem is that he acts like he is earning that $30 million contract by drawing walks. If the Cubs could somehow switch Bradley's and Theriot's mentalities into each others bodies, we wouldn't have a problem. He is getting paid to be a run producer in the middle of the order, not as a slappy #2 hitter.

Derrek Lee - 0.0 - I don't hate Derrek at all. He has resurged further than I thought possible, and he has managed to do so while being the only viable hitter in the lineup for much of the season. His defense has saved so many errors that we still don't fully understand how shitty our middle infielders actually are.

Aramis Ramirez - 1.5 - He can't help that he got hurt while diving for a ball, and he would be on pace for a .330 average with 30-35 HRs and about 120 RBIs if he played a full season. Still, his staring at any ball he hits with authority pisses me off to no end. I look the other way when they are winning 97 games in spite of that crap, but when every game was crucial, Aramis appeared to be leading the league in being held to singles on balls hit off the wall.

Kosuke Fukudome - 1.0 - I can't argue too much with what he has done this year. He's not worth the money he signed for, but he doesn't say or do anything publicly that makes me think he is satisfied with not earning it. He plays a solid centerfield and its not his fault he is there instead of right where he actually is good instead of average. That spinning swing still angers up my blood enough for him to register on the hate scale though.

Alfonso Soriano - 5.0 - My hatred of him has actually come down as I make myself believe that he has been playing hurt for most of the season and might therefore improve next season. The Hop is disconcerting and I'm tired of watching him take bad routes to balls and take forever to pick up a ball that has rolled to the wall. I've also grown weary of watching him become the second coming of Shawon Dunston on breaking balls that end up in the left batters box.

Geovany Soto - 9.0 - This f---ing guy is the biggest disappointment in a season full of crap. He has gone from being one of my favorite Cubs last year to one that is exceeded only by Aaron Miles in my hatred. He isn't doing anything right and he doesn't seem to give a damn. He was caught smoking weed in the off-season, which I could care less about, but then he showed up to camp overweight and never got into shape. He has become so useless at the plate that I actually cringe when we don't start a guy with three fingers ahead of him.

Mike Fontenot - 8.5 - Fontenot is spared a lot of my wrath because he is only the second worst second baseman on the team and he still hustles when he's out there or he would assuredly be a ten. The problem is that he sucks as much at baseball as Jay Leno's new show will at making people laugh. He runs around on the field and dives for a lot of balls, but if he had any range at all he wouldn't have to dive. Never mind that if he actually came up with the ball, he has no arm with which to throw it. He is useless against lefties and hardly much better against righties. At least he is cheap and theoretically easy to replace.

Koyie Hill - 1.0 - He is doing pretty much what we expected of him, but that still doesn't make him any good at hitting, so he does register some hate.

Jake Fox - 0.0 - This may rise as the league figures out that they should never ever throw him a fastball, but otherwise, he has done nothing but hit when he is given a chance, and his fielding has dramatically exceeded expectations.

Jeff Baker - 0.0 - Realistically, I could give him a 0.5 for striking out too damn much, but I negate that by virtue of his presence removing any chance that I might ever see Fontenot attempt to play third base again this year if Aramis is out of the game. He has exceeded expectations since arriving from Colorado in a ho-hum deal and I remain baffled as to why he is not the starter at second at least five times a week.

Sam Fuld - 2.0 - My hatred of Sam Fuld is not really his fault. I hate him because I have to listen to people talk about how much better this team would be with Fuld instead of Soriano in the outfield. If the goal of this team is to start a lineup that sets a record for the shortest average height in the history of baseball, Sam Fuld is your man. He is this generation's Doug Dascenzo, not the solution to the Cubs' ills.

Aaron Miles - 11.0 - I know this is supposed to be on a scale of ten, but Miles takes sucking ass to a whole new level. The highlight of his season came a few games ago when he laid down a successful sacrifice bunt. I hate him because I'm not even f---ing exaggerating. If scientists could find a way to harness the power of my hatred for Miles and use it as energy, there would be no more wars over oil.

There is too much hate for one post. I'll get to the pitchers tomorrow.


Arnold said...

Hey, don't drag poor Jay Leno into this!

hey_sue said...

OOOO! I can't wait for the pitchers rating. I have to say that my hatred for Lee and Rami is a flip-flop of yours. I love Lee, but the double plays kill me!
Thanks for the mention too!

SixRowBrewCo said...

Lee hasn't been Mr. Double Play nearly as much this year. He is currently everything we can realistically expect from him. Plus he has played through injuries to his neck and back and managed to still put up stellar numbers.

I just hope this isn't his last hurrah as an upper tier first baseman.

Duey23 said...


I'd almost want to pay your attendance fee to ask Soto some REALLY interesting questions. Too bad they are already filtering them down.

Of course, you can submit your questions now anyway!

-Brian (fellow 424'er)

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