Saturday, August 1, 2009

Nobody Saw Nothin'

During the game last night, the Marlins mascot came out onto the field between innings with a billy goat, in the kind of subtle, wry humor made popular by Carrot Top.

I am fully expecting they will be passing out walkmans and glasses tonight and Sunday will involve the scoreboard depicting a bag of cocaine rolling between Leon Durham's legs. Clearly, the people of Florida are hilarious and original.

I can only then surmise that a fair number of ESPN executives are from Florida because they are dredging up the Bartman shit again for a documentary. I would rather have papercuts on my eyes than watch whatever crap they pull together on this poor bastard.

To the best of my knowledge, Bartman has refused every offer to capitalize on the longest fifteen minutes of fame this side of Ryan Seacrest. He has not agreed to any interviews, he won't make public appearances, and he won't even autograph anything. He has done everything he can do to put the incident in the past, and I am sincerely hoping that he continues his media silence as ESPN tries to throw their little documentary together.

I hope he has a little discussion with his friends and family instructing them to do likewise in refusing to cooperate.

But mostly, I want the Cubs to respond to any questions about Bartman with this statement:

"It is our policy to not comment on an incident that occurred six years ago, involving a person who is not a member of the Cubs organization. We consider the matter closed."

This should come from any player, executive, security guard, usher, or concession stand attendant that ESPN can ever try to interview.

Ideally, I would also want every fan in Wrigleyville to tell anybody with a camera:

"We are not concerned with something that happened six years ago. We are focused on the current team that has won two straight National League Central titles and is vying for a third."

It would amuse me to no end if the entire community with an interest in the Cubs would band together in a cone of silence on this matter that would make the most tight-lipped organized crime syndicates jealous. We didn't see nothin' and it would displease us tremendously if ESPN were to pursue this matter further. Capeesh?

I'm not foolish enough to believe that the idiot t-shirt vendors and the people that can't walk into or out of the stadium without reading the bricks won't run their mouths when given the opportunity to be a part of a "major television project" like this. ESPN will get plenty of footage, but I'm hoping that the documentary will consist of a conglomeration of people who have no connection to Bartman other than knowing his name and that he was the unlucky shlub that had one split second of bad judgement six years ago.


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