Monday, April 27, 2009

Hendry Bets Satan He Doesn't Need DL

Cub fans have been wondering for a few days why the Cubs have stubbornly refused to use the roster tool known as the Disabled List when players are dropping faster than Milton Bradley's on-base percentage.

Aisle 424 has learned from a highly credible made-up source that Jim Hendry has made a bet with Satan that the Cubs would not have to use the Disabled List this year. Apparently, if the Cubs refrain from placing a player on the DL, the Cubs will win the World Series and Hendry retains his soul.

It is unclear how the Cubs team will be affected if Hendry loses the bet (the source could neither confirm nor deny that the Cubs would experience a championship-free millenium), but he is assuredly going to have a very unpleasant eternity involving pitchforks and lots and lots of heat.

Reportedly, before the season began, Hendry received a phone call from someone claiming to be Satan, offering him the deal to assure that the Cubs would win the World Series if he could win the simple bet of leaving the DL unused. Reportedly, Satan has a 314 area code and sounds alot like Tony LaRussa.

The roster has been stretched thin with injuries to Milton Bradley, Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, and Carlos Marmol. Alfonso Soriano has done his best to stay in the lineup after getting hit in the head with a Todd Wellemeyer pitch. He managed to double in his next at-bat and was clearly excited about the Cubs win after the game when he told reporters, "Vacuum hydrogen chicken potpie." He then drooled a little and stood on his head in his locker. When asked if he would stay in the leadoff spot for the Arizona series, he responded gamely, "Robot."

Tonight, despite Soriano's selfless heroics, the Cubs will be fielding a lineup including Joey Gathright at shortstop and Sean Marshall behind the plate. It seems the swine flu has made its way into the Cubs' clubhouse and made Geovany Soto, Ryan Theriot, Koyie Hill, and Kosuke Fukudome unavailable for the next couple of days.

"I told the guys the water in St. Louis tasted like bacon, but they just laughed," said tonight's starter, Ted Lilly, who also happens to be one of the few players to not have any injuries or illnesses. "Guess I should have smashed that waterpipe too, " he later joked.

"Look, we've got some athletic guys on this team that can play more than one position, so we are just hoping we can get through the next couple of days," said Lou Piniella. "Pinch-hitting and relief pitchers are an overrated part of game strategy anyway. Hey, on the plus side, this pig flu thing seems to have killed Nate Cotts, so you have to take the good with the bad."

The odds look long that the Cubs can continue on without using the DL, but Hendry is committed, "I am going to win us a championship any way I can. If I have to tape body parts back onto Milton Bradley, I damn well will and he will play 120 games this year. Please God, let him play again this year.... (unintelligible weeping)."

Soriano is still enthusiastic and wants to hear none of the pessimism from those that don't believe the team can carry on as currently composed. "Sandals molasses violin, " he said before taking batting practice. You could tell he meant it.

The prior post is completely fictitious in that the only actual facts are the correctly spelled names of the players and team officials.


Anonymous said...

He may have some brain damage, but Soriano can still hit.

Sarah Gaiser said...

You have NAILED it Steve! HAHA! I always find myself laughing out loud at your posts ... smart and informative :)

SixRowBrewCo said...

Kumquat toast appendectomy! Snail, lasso ball-bearing.

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