ApoCublypse Now

Then I saw the Cub open the first of the seven seals. I heard Ernie Banks say with a voice like thunder, "Go!"

Then I looked, and there was a white horse! Its rider had a bat and a DeRosa jersey, and a Cardinal's hat had been given to him. He went out as a conqueror to conquer.

When the Cub opened the second seal, I heard Billy Williams say, "Go!"

A second horse went out. It was fiery red, and its rider was given permission to take peace away from Wrigley Field and to make people vomit Budweiser on one another. So he was given a large keg.

When the Cub opened the third seal, I heard Ron Santo say, "Go!" I looked, and there was a black horse! Its rider held a Cardinals lineup card in his hand with DeRosa penciled in at third base.

When the Cub opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of Ryne Sandberg say, "Go!"

I looked, and there was a pale horse! Its rider's name was Pujols, and LaRussa followed him. They were given authority over one-fourth of the earth to kill Cubs fans using homeruns, quality starting pitching, squeeze plays, and the most solid fundamentals on the earth.

When the Cub opened the fifth seal, I saw under the bleachers the souls of those who had been slaughtered because of their Shut Up and Drink Your Beer t-shirts and the faith in Hendry they had given.

They cried out in a loud voice, "Harry and Jack, how long will it be before you judge and take revenge on those living in St. Louis who shed our blood?"

Each of them was given a floppy hat. They were told to rest a little longer until the number of their fellow fans and their brothers was completed, who would be killed as they had been killed.

Then I saw the Cub open the sixth seal. There was a powerful earthquake. The ivy turned as black as pinetar, and the Wrigley lights turned as red as blood.

The stars in the sky fell to the earth like Soriano drops a routine flyball when there is a little bit of wind.

The sky vanished like the infield tarp being rolled up, and every bar and restaurant in Wrigleyville was moved from its place.

Then the coaches, the players, the agents, and the hangers-on, and all the remaining beer-soaked fans hid themselves under the scoreboard and among the seats in the grandstands.

They said to the scoreboard and grandstand, "Fall on us and hide us from the face of the one who sits on the throne and from the wrath of DeRosa.

For the great day of his wrath has come, and who is able to endure it?"