Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Welcome to Wrigley! (and Then Get the Hell Out)

Pop quiz time! Let's say that you have tickets to a Cubs game and you get to the gate and see something like the following scene:

Let's also assume that you are carrying a bag that you want to bring into the park.

What do you do next?:

A) Go in Gate D because you can't read and just follow the crowd.
B) Show off your 2nd grade reading skills and go to the Bag Inspection line.
C) Turn around and ask why the Harry Caray statue looks so much like Billy Williams.

The answer is, of course, secret choice D) Just kill yourself and forgo the obvious hassle you are about to go through to watch a shitty team lose to another shitty team.  I know this because Kris and our friend Nancy took the live version of this quiz at the game tonight and failed miserably.

A buddy won a couple of free tickets to the game when he already had tickets he couldn't get rid of so he gave them to Kris and Nancy.  We headed to the gate over by the new Billy Williams statue and I went in Gate D while they went to go have their bags inspected.

I already considered this a colossal waste of time seeing as their bags were actually wristlets that can barely carry a container of Tic Tacs, much less anything that would be a threat to a stadium full of people, but security is security and if I understand Fox News correctly, the jihadists could be anywhere.  So they obediently went to the usher standing directly underneath the Bag Inspection line (choice B) that was separated from the rest of the gate entrance by a series of metal barriers.

When they got to the usher, this exchange took place:

Usher: You can't come in this way.
Kris: Why?
Usher: You have to go in over there. (Pointing to the rest of Gate D on the other side of the barrier)
Kris: But we have to go through the Bag Inspection line.
Usher: That's over there. (Again points to the rest of Gate D)
Kris: But you are standing under the Bag Inspection sign.
Usher: (Looking up) Oh yeah, I am, but you have to go over there.
Kris: Then you should go stand somewhere else or move the fucking sign.

(Editor's note: I love her.)

At this point, Kris and Nancy gave up and found the actual bag inspection lines that were adjacent to the area that was marked as the bag inspection area.  The actual inspector saw their wristlets and just waved them through.  I expect that inspector to be fired for showing a shred of common sense and judgement.  At the least, he will be sent to bed without his dinner to reflect on his mental lapse.

The game started, the Cubs lost, and I had to sit through four at-bats by Koyie Hill before the damn thing ended despite the fact that the Cubs are now carrying two other catchers on the roster that are all theoretically capable of playing better than Koyie even if they were blindfolded.  They must have done something bad that they need to reflect on before they are allowed to play again.

After the game, we were saying good-bye to one of our buddies, a 71-year old man that has spent his entire life watching this team suck.  Chances are excellent that this would be the last time Kris and Nancy would see him this season so they didn't want to just rush off.

The Cubs had barely left the field when Cubs security was telling us we had to start heading out. He acted like he was afraid we might try to set up a base camp unless he shooed us out.  Note to the Cubs: We aren't interested in spending any more time in the park than is necessary, we just happen to like our friend enough not to sprint away from him the moment the last out is made.

Of course, this was one game after I got a stern talking-to by a Cubs usher because I was saying good-bye to a few people as I stood up to leave a game during a pitching change, so I don't know why I'm surprised by anything anymore.

At least I don't carry a bag into the ballpark.  They'd probably beat me with a sack of oranges.


MGb said...

Have you ever been beaten by a sack of oranges? It's not as much fun as one might think.

Doc Blume said...


Not much more to add except...UGH! I have three jobs now...two I get paid for, and the other is going to Cubs games, which I am paid with in pain and suffering.

Anonymous said...

so much for ricketts making it a kinder/gentler place. lol.

this team is out of their mind treating fans in this way. the ushers have gotten away with shit like this for years, but anytime a real problem occurs they are no where to be found. maybe the ushers should focus on actual issues? ie: overserved fans. instead they harass people like you for talking a few minutes with friends after a ballgame. that shit is not acceptable.

Anonymous said...

hey doc, i quit that job earlier this year. it felt real good.

Aisle 424 said...

The game was actually the most pleasant part of the evening, Doc.

I'm getting closer and closer to joining you in telling them to take their "job" and shove it, wpbc.

Southside Phil said...

Way to go, Kris. Giving rent-a-cops are hard time for being stupid. If there is any definitive way to confirm we are relations, that sure as hell is it!

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