Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Metrodome Drowns Out Chip's Hackery

Say what you want about how lame it is to play baseball inside a Hefty bag, but if I could be guaranteed as many unbelievable post-season games and moments for the Cubs as the Twins have had in the Metrodome, I would advocate the Cubs playing inside of a giant used condom.

The Metrodome just doesn't want to give up its baseball quite yet.  The Twins, after having a 4% shot at the playoffs on September 30th, managed to claw their way back to force the 163rd regular season game, AKA The Tie Breaker.  Then, as if that weren't enough, they played an extra quarter of a game before sending the place into a meltdown as Carlos Gomez streaked around to score on a base hit by Alexi Casilla.

Nobody is going to get any work done in Minnesota for at least a couple of days because no one is going to have a voice left after the Vikings and Brett Favre pretty much had their way with the Green Bay defense the night before in the dome and then probably the best Game #163 ever played (yes - I include the Black Out Game in that assessment, and not just because the Sox won that one).

The way things are being perfectly scripted, I half expect to see Jack Morris pitch a perfect game, Kirby Puckett hit for the cycle, and Brett Favre hit a walk-off Grand Slam to defeat the Yankees in the NLDS.  Of course, all of those achievements would be completely ruined by Chip Caray providing the play-by-play.

You watch baseball all year long and put up with Joe Morgan and Tim McCarver and all of the national level guys that equate learning how to over-pronounce the Latino players' names with adequate game preparation, so you think you have built up an immunity to inane chatter and brutal game-calling.  Then Chip Caray takes it up a notch in the most important baseball game played thus far in 2009.

Besides using the term "fisted" more often than the most detailed description of hardcore lesbian porn, Chip sometimes seems to be calling the game he envisions in his head instead of the one that is actually unfolding in front of him.  Check out the video at Waxpaperbeercup of Chip describing the would-be Nick Punto sacrifice fly as a base-hit.  I'm just glad that Casilla didn't actually score there to win the game because Chip's miscall of the action would get spliced into every "Go crazy folks!" and "I don't believe what I just saw!" baseball highlight montage until the end of time.

Later, he was talking about how great the game was and that nobody was minding staying up late to watch it.  He said that at about 8:40 PM local time.  Apparently, Chip's bedtime is before my girlfriend's six year old niece.

This doesn't even touch on the Chip catch phrase that sends Cubs fans into drooling convulsions, the legendary "Swung on and BELTED!"  I wish my grandfather had been a legendary broadcaster so I could make a very good living while being a total hack.

*No idea who originally did this Photoshop job, but it was circulating on Twitter before the game ended last night.

The actual Postseason starts this afternoon and we're all hoping the action on the field can continue to outweigh the dreadful descriptions being broadcast to us.  As long as the Twins and the Metrodome are involved, I get the feeling that is possible.


thejoshbaker said...


Aisle 424 said...

I'm still not sure how #fisted didn't become a trending topic during the game last night.

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