Monday, January 5, 2009

Stephen A. Smith is a Moron

My intentions of starting this blog was to have an outlet for my various rants on numerous topics (but mostly the Cubs) so I could spare my girlfriend and others from having to hear me go on and on about things they barely care about. My intentions were to try to describe how my emotional state of being has become so closely tied to the welfare of my favorite team that it borders on psychosis (and many would probably just remove the phrase "borders on"). My intentions were to slowly indoctrinate the reader into my world instead of throwing them headlong into the dark abyss of my brain.

But instead, I think I will just verbally assault Stephen A. Smith of ESPN for writing one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read. You know the scene in National Lampoon's Vacation where Chevy Chase gets so infuriated with Wally World being closed that he lets loose with a profanity-laced tirade that would make Lee Elia blush? That is my subconscious right now. I am having trouble forming coherent sentences to aptly reply to the dumbest baseball article ever.

Mr. Smith asserts that since the Yankees have gone a full decade without winning a championship, the signing of C.C. Sabathia (7 years, $161 million), A.J. Burnett (5 years $82.5 million) and Mark Teixiera (estimated 8 years, $180 million) is not enough. He feels that not only should the Yankees sign Manny Ramirez, who wants $75 million for 3 years, but that they NEED to sign him to cure the hard-suffering Yankee fans of their decade long misery.

He calls the past 10 years where the Yankees averaged 97 wins and made the playoffs every year but last year, "too painful, too vivid, to recall or discuss." Are you f---ing kidding me?

Yankee fans have no idea what pain is. They can't even begin to fathom the annual hopelessness and despair that accompanies being a Cub fan. I used to get pissed when Red Sox fans wouldn't shut up about their pain and suffering when they were at least contenders every damn year, and the Cubs had already gone a decade without winning when the Red Sox started their little streak. But where the hell does Stephen A. Smith get the temerity to even SUGGEST that Yankee fans suffer?

If 10 years is causing suffering among the Yankee faithful, then New Yorkers are the biggest bunch of wusses and pansies ever. When it comes right down to it, they have suffered the emotional equivalent of a papercut. If I were a Yankee fan, I would want to punch the hell out of Smith for thinking I am so weak that I can't handle a 10 year championship drought, when (all things being equal) you should only expect to win one every 30 years. (Hear that Philadelphia? You beat expectations!)

Smith says that the last time the Yankees won a World Series was when Bill Clinton was in office. You know who was in office the last time the Cubs won? Roosevelt. Not Franklin, mind you, Teddy! The first World War hadn't started yet. The Titanic hadn't been built yet. Women couldn't vote. And Smith is telling me about Clinton? I was old enough to vote for Clinton!

The last time the Cubs even got there was when Franklin Roosevelt was in office, JFK was still in the Navy, and Israel didn't exist yet. There is no ungodly way that a Yankee fan can ever understand that kind of repeated futility - certainly not in my lifetime anyway.

You know the worst part of reading that article? It underscored just how good Manny Ramirez is. The man is a hitting machine who hits better than most all-stars even when he is all pissed off and unmotivated. This is a guy the Cubs need in their lineup! Derek Lee is a great guy and wonderful to have in the clubhouse, but the man hasn't done anything in the postseason since knocking in the go ahead runs in the 2003 NLCS against the Cubs. Manny's presence in the lineup would almost assuredly guarantee that the Cubs' offense would at least show up in the postseason.

But the Cubs answer to 101 years of nothing is signing Milton Bradley. Yes, the same Milton Bradley that has played an average of 90 games per season over his career (more than 100 only 3 times out of 9 seasons). The same Milton Bradley who has never driven in more than 80 runs in a season. The same Milton Bradley that has hit 20 or more homeruns exactly once (last year with 22). The same Milton Bradley who had his 2007 season end (while his team was involved in a very tense pennant race) because he blew out his ACL while arguing with an umpire. He has attacked physically and/or verbally a fan, an umpire, his manager, a team mate, a broadcaster, and the media. I believe that is the closest he has ever come to getting the cycle.

The Cubs are paying him $30 million and leaving Manny on the free agent market. The same Manny that has hit 40+ HRs in 5 different seasons, and averaged 32 per year for his career. He has averaged 114 RBIs (with a high of 165). He has a career average of .320. Who needs a guy like that in your lineup when you have lost 9 consecutive postseason games?

Milton Bradley... $30 million over 3 years... sigh....

That, Mr. Stephen A. Smith, is a sports team causing pain and suffering among its fan base. Now please excuse me, I have to go curl up in a fetal position for awhile.


Unknown said...

I think I'll leave a comment in Steven Smith's post and link back here - this is the dose of reality that he needs....

Do you think Mike will finally get a computer so he can enjoy the rants?

Guest said...

Reading Mr. Smith's article, I am inclined to believe that it was a work of satire, intended to point out all the same things you just did.

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