Deploying the Secret Weapon

While the Cubs managed to score a whopping two runs against Chris Young, the offense and the team in general could use some help. No, I am not speaking of Mark DeRosa. Will everyone please stop fantasizing about that?

Even the mighty DeRosa, who pulls redwood trees from the ground by the roots to use as bats, can not possibly breathe life into an offense that could hardly do worse if Manny Alexander batted in all nine spots in the batting order.

Much more powerful forces are needed. It is time to break out The Secret Weapon.

I had hoped my mere presence in the ballpark would be enough to get the Cubs back to their winning ways since they are 9-0 so far when I am in attendance, but this was the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad road trip from hell. My showing up at Wrigley on Monday evening probably will not be enough to stem the tide of shitty baseball karma.

I did not wish to waste the potential power of The Secret Weapon willy-nilly on a game of little consequence. I saved it for a rainy day emergency. Well, the rain is coming down in torrents not seen since Noah was gathering animals by twos.

The Secret Weapon was given to me at Christmas by Kris' sister's father-in-law, Tom. He and his family live down in southern Illinois deep in the heart of Cardinal territory where Cubs fans are few and far between. His father, Pete, was one of those Cub fans.

Grandpa Pete owned a very special hat and kept it stored away for special occasions. Unfortunately, I never met Grandpa Pete since he passed away before I started dating Kris, so I never got a chance to discuss the pain and joys of being a Cubs fan. But, this Christmas, I received a gift, through Tom, from Grandpa Pete.

Tom had been cleaning and organizing some things and came across the hat and knew that most of his family, as Cardinals fans, would not have a desire to take ownership of the special Cubs hat. He decided that he would pass it from his family to me, knowing that I loved the Cubs as much or more than his Dad.

It was extremely touching that Tom would bestow an item with such sentimental value to someone who was not a part of his family. Kris thought I should wear it to Opening Day, but since I have my own tradition of purchasing a new Cubs hat for the year on Opening Day, I didn't want to mess with any good mojo that could come from the purchase of a fresh hat with untapped positive energy.


I decided that the gift hat would be perfect as a rally hat. I have had it with me on numerous occasions, but have never needed to use a rally hat because the Cubs have inexplicably never been losing late in the game when I am there. So while the rally hat has stayed dormant during game situations, I did break it out after the game on Opening Day for posterity.



Today, however, is the day where there are no holds barred. The Secret Weapon is coming with me to the game and it will be used if the Cubs insist on hitting like they are wearing blindfolds at the plate. We'll need all the supernatural power that Grandpa Pete can muster up, and if he could see if Harry and Jack are around, that would help too.


If anyone else has a rally hat or other item with good mojo, bring it to the game, set it on the television, or light candles around it with a picture of Lou Piniella. The Cubs need all of the help they can get right now.