Tuesday, July 28, 2009

All Stone and No Play Makes Tim a Dull Boy

Steve Stone's curious obsession with the Cubs, Milton Bradley, and unfounded rumors on his Twitter feed made me think that I could develop a regular feature where I highlighted some of Stone's bitter, self-important musings about a team he doesn't work for anymore and mock him relentlessly.

It seems a lot of other blogs have something that is identified with them. Hire Jim Essian has the Muskbox, Wrigleyville23 has the invention of the TOOTBLAN, Waxpaperbeercup is your one-stop shop for all things Cubs sale related, and of course, the aptly named Cubs in Haiku and Cubs Magic Number.

A bunch of people have jumped on the Stone story, but I thought I could take this opportunity to make Aisle 424 the place for Steve Stone ridicule.

But then, I realized that Stone is probably enjoying the attention and he is probably gaining popularity with Sox fans. Also, I don't want to be as singularly obsessed with one particular individual because that just isn't healthy. I want none of that, so there will be no regular feature, and unless something dramatic pops up, I won't be harping on Stone for awhile outside of an occasional quip on Twitter.

So, instead, I put together a final (for now) homage to our favorite asshat announcer:

Top Ten Other Times Steve Stone Has Been Wrong

10. Is the only person who believes Kaplan when he says the tan is natural.

9. Doesn't realize the kids out there don't give a damn what he says.

8. Thinks Mila Kunis is a venereal disease.

7. Thought this picture was a good idea at the time:

(Thanks, HJE, for finding this)

6. Is very excited about next summer's concert at Wrigley because he's never seen Michael Jackson perform.

5. Lost thousands in 2000 failed t-shirt selling venture when he patented the phrase, "Valley Fever: Catch It!"

4. Whenever his phone rings, he thinks it's Kent Mercker calling to apologize.

3. Lost bet with Bill Murray that Rick Sutcliffe wouldn't steal a base. (This one is real.)

2. As God as his witness, he thought turkeys could fly.

1. Still believes a major league franchise would hire him as GM.


By the way, I called that Soriano walk-off grand slam as Bradley trotted to first after the intentional walk. So, I'm waiting up for Crane Kenney's call to offer me the General Manager position, which I am sure is now coming. If not, I'm going to get pretty bitchy. Afterall, I'm a baseball genius. I predicted the outcome of an at-bat.


Matt Clapp said...

Going to be interesting to see what Thom Brenneman thinks of this post. I can't stop laughing though.

Tim McGinnis said...

Thanks!  It's been almost 2 1/2 hours since the Grand Slam.  Still can't calm down enough to sleep and Crane hasn't called.  What's up with that?

Matt Clapp said...

I know, I like Hendry but he's not calling game-winning grand slams. You're the man for the job.

Tim McGinnis said...

You are a gentleman and a scholar.  I shall consider you for an Assistant GM position.  What could be keeping Crane from calling?  I hope everything is OK.

The Cubs In Haiku said...

Should be clear to all
That your predictive powers
Exceed those of Stone.

A very entertaining post, after a long but ultimately satisfying evening spent in the #Cubs Twitterverse. 

Just remember ... this week you have been, quite literally, infinitely better than Steve Stone at predicting what will happen with the Cubs.  Admittedly, you only had to get one thing right to do that, but you were right on a pretty big one!

Oh ... and thanks for the mention.


Seat 106 said...

I loved #3. Still laughing at all of them. I loved being there last night while this was percolating and most of all when you called Soriano's shot. I loved watching my 12 year old and I quote you in unison in the 13th with "I want to sing the stupid song."

Tim McGinnis said...

Thanks for helping me come up with #4 and for shooting down my less funny ideas.  As always, its a pleasure having you as my Aisle 424 neighbor.  See you at the next homestand.  Go Cubs.

Tim McGinnis said...

I was going to
Reply in haiku, but I'll
Just leave that to you

Hey, look at that!  This took a surprising long time for me to come up with and its still pretty weak.  Don't know how you do it so quickly.

The Cubs In Haiku said...

Practice, Tim, practice
Plus I can type really fast
Sometimes that helps, too!


Cubs Magic Number said...

Somebody has a magic number blog?  Oh my.  I hope I didn't step on their toes with my Twitter thing. ☹

Let me age myself. I very clearly remember my high school BFF and I very shyly going into the local drug store that didn't keep Playgirl behind the counter to sneak a peek at Mr. Stone's attributes. We both left really really wanting his...

Beanbag chair. That big mitt is f'n sweet!

AndCounting said...

Good call on averting the obsession. (Although, with that picture of him lounging betoweled on the glove seat looking coy, that's gonna be pretty tough.) If you hate someone too intensely, you become them.

And #1 really nails the reasoning behind it all. Not being a GM is killing him.

Tim McGinnis said...

He probably has that in poster form framed above his his bed.

Tim McGinnis said...

But it is tempting.  Steve Stone has single-handedly more than doubled my average traffic, and that is one of the days being a Sunday when NO ONE ever visits.  The awesome power of douchebaggery may be the answer to finding a renewable energy source.

Seat 106 said...

The "awesome power of douchebaggery" ranks right up there with "His Royal Assholiness" as phrases that need to be part of everyday usage. Nicely, they both apply to the subject of your posting.

Seat 106 said...

As I think about it, perhaps that should be his title: "His Royal Assholiness, Master of the Awesome Power of Douchebaggery."

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