An Onion a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

I love The Onion. It is a ray of sunshine in my otherwise cloudy day. The satirical newspaper/site has hilariously weighed in on Alex Rodriguez and the steroids stories that have been so popular lately:

A-Rod Dead at 33

"A-Rod is survived by 33-year-old Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez, a divorced father of two who is currently in therapy and who, despite being in extremely good physical condition and possessing the ability to hit 500-foot home runs, has no future in baseball whatsoever."

A-Rod: 'Maybe Everyone Will Let This One Slide'

"'Sure, I've gotten blasted for my failure in the clutch, and people on the street still taunt me for slapping the ball out of that guy's hand, but maybe they'll let me go on the whole taking-steroids-for-years thing,' the embattled third baseman said from his Florida home."

F---Rod Wondering What Permutation of His Name Will Be Used For Steroid Story

“Alex ‘F----Rod’ Rodriguez, who has been given many unflattering nicknames by the press during the course of an eventful and turbulent career, found himself wondering what unflattering sobriquet he would be awarded for lying about his steroid use.”

Turns Out Craig Counsell Was Actually Best Baseball Player of Steroid Era

“Upon hearing the news, broadcaster Bob Uecker lauded the Brewers utilityman as ‘one of the best I ever saw, if we're talking about those who I can say without a doubt never took steroids. He came this close to stealing a base off of Ivan Rodriguez, and I swear I heard him foul tip a Roger Clemens fastball.’”

Report: Curt Schilling Has An Opinion On A-Rod

“Former pitcher and current blogger, micro-blogger, commentator, and would-be gadfly Curt Schilling delivered his opinion on the A-Rod steroid situation Monday despite never having been asked to do so.”

Headlines only:

• “Kobe Bryant Shouts 'I Have Been Taking Steroids' As Sports Media Gallops Past Him”
• “Jose Canseco Smirking Smugly At Nation”